


How to Have a Normal Christmas

by susieboo



Category: Venom (Movie 2018)
Genre: Christmas, Christmas Fluff, Christmas Party, F/M, Fluff and Humor, Friendship, He's trying so hard, I'm so sorry, Kidnapping, Minor Dan Lewis/Anne Weying, Multi, Other, Sweet Venom Symbiote (Marvel), anne deserves a nobel peace prize, dan is a sweetheart, felonies are fine if they're in the name of true love right?, monsterfucking jokes abound, no anne/dan bashing in this house!!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-24
Updated: 2019-12-24
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:08:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21647308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/susieboo/pseuds/susieboo
Summary: Venom's been on Earth for about a year and a half, and, let's be real, nothing has been "normal" since. But Venom is nothing if not dedicated, and this December, he's determined to give Eddie the greatest gift of all: a perfect, traditional Christmas. Granted, he doesn'tquiteknow what that entails, but he has the semi-willing assistance of Anne and Dan, a slew of Hallmark movies, and his own imagination to go off of, and nothing - NOTHING - will stop him from giving his boyfriend the holiday he deserves.Get the eggnog. And the bail money. We'll likely need both.[Oneshot. Mostly Symbrock, but Anne and Dan are a cute, stable couple made up of actual functioning adults on the side. Humor and fluff. Merry Christmas, y'all.]
Relationships: Dan Lewis/Anne Weying, Eddie Brock/Venom Symbiote
Comments: 9
Kudos: 130





	How to Have a Normal Christmas

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, I'm the one who wrote _Eddie and Venom Save Christmas_ last year. "Fluffy, wholesome Christmas romance for monsterfuckers" is one hell of a niche, and arguably one that doesn't even need to be filled. 
> 
> But god damn if I'm not filling it. Monsterfuckers deserve love, too.

When you acquired a maneating alien that lived up your ass, “normal” sort of went out the window. This was why, when Eddie announced at he and Venom had officially gone from _“a dumbass and his parasite”_ to _“boyfriends,”_ Anne had responded by nodding and saying “congratulations, I’m happy for you two, no judgment here, this sounds like a perfectly reasonable thing to be happening in my adult life.”

Okay, so she hadn’t said those words _exactly_.

But pretty close.

Eddie often said he didn’t mind how utterly chaotic and downright weird his life had become since Venom became a part of it. In fact, he often said he genuinely didn’t remember what he’;d been doing with his nights before he started spending them eating every drug lord, smug tech upstart owner, and incel San Francisco could offer. And Venom was happy with their weird little life. He just wanted to make sure Eddie was as happy as possible, too.

The idea for Operation Normal Christmas cropped up one morning about two weeks before the holiday. In years to come, when they told and retold this story, Dan would muse that perhaps, if Venom had gotten an earlier start on the planning, things wouldn’t have been so utterly and gloriously fucked. Anne was of the opinion that Venom could’ve followed the example of every department store and radio station in America and started the second Halloween ended, and it still would’ve been a shitshow. Which of them was correct? Who’s to say! Didn’t really matter, as far as Venom was concerned, because the facts were these:

  1. He _hadn’t_ gotten an earlier start on the planning.
  2. Things _were_ utterly and gloriously fucked.
  3. Nonetheless, he had only meant well, and everything that happened could be traced back to the fact that Venom loved Eddie Brock very, _very_ much, which he was pretty sure would’ve held up in court, had things ever gotten to that point.



The trouble began when he and Eddie were heading home after a long day at work, and Venom had finally decided to ask a question he’d had for a couple weeks now - specifically, what the _fuck_ was going on. The second the calendar changed to November 1, he couldn’t walk two feet without seeing some fucker in a red suit standing on a corner with a bell, and the same twenty-odd songs had been playing incessantly at every store. So Eddie, as he so often did when Venom admitted to not “getting” some part of human culture, had given him a crash course in Christmas.

**_“So this isn’t the holiday where we get to scare children and take candy from them?”_ **

“Okay, first, that’s _not_ encouraged, even on Halloween, and happened entirely without my input,” Eddie said. “Second, no, this is Christmas. Allegedly to celebrate the birth of our zombie son of God, these days, more an excuse to get presents, sip hot chocolate, and drown your feelings in the auditory embrace of Josh Groban.”

**_“And people like this?”_ **

“Sure! Well, some people do. Others don’t celebrate it. And others _really_ don’t like it, which, to be fair, yeah, it’s fucking everywhere, so I can see why it would get annoying having it crammed down your throat 24/7. But I like it.”

 **_“You do?”_ **This was news. He thought he was aware of everything Eddie liked.

“Yeah. I mean, I don’t do much to celebrate these days, but when I was a kid, I always looked forward to it.” 

**_“Do you miss it all?”_ **Venom asked, as Eddie began up the stairs to their apartment. It wasn’t cold enough to snow - nowhere near - but there was still a chill nipping at them, enough to make them think that spring couldn’t get here fast enough.

Opening the door to their always-messy home, Eddie said, “Mm, yeah, in a way. Don’t miss the church service much, but I kind of miss the way Christmas felt when I was a kid. It was just nice to spend a day at home, watching old cartoons and gorging myself on cookies, and give my parents shitty homemade gifts.”

And that was when the adorable little wheels in Venom’s adorable little head began to turn. The problem with literally being attached to your boyfriend at the hip (or, rather, at the ass) 24/7 was that it was sort of hard to surprise him. Trying to get him a gift he wouldn’t expect was always a lost cause, because even if he ordered things online while Eddie was asleep, Eddie would see the bill before it arrived in the mail. But if he got him a gift that wasn’t physical - like, say, arranged the best goddamn Christmas under the sun - then Eddie would have no clue, and Venom would get to see that adorable face he made when he was surprised.

Of course, the issue was that Venom only had a vague idea of what Christmas was, much less what people usually did to celebrate. But he was certain he could pull this off. If he went in with a full heart and a complete willingness to eat anybody who got in his way, he couldn’t lose. And if a bunch of humans managed to do it every year, how hard could it be?

* * *

That night, when Eddie fell asleep, Venom took over. He and Eddie had an agreement that Venom could do this whenever he wanted, so long as he didn’t go out in public without consulting Eddie - and as long as he made sure Eddie got enough sleep. Usually, he bingewatched his latest obsession for a couple hours (he had finished _Nailed It!_ and was now halfway through _Queer Eye_ ) or played some MMORPGs (using his infalliable strategy of “hit all the buttons really hard until you win”), but this time, he opened up Messenger and started a groupchat with the literal only other two humans on this planet he had any respect for.

 **Eddie Brock:** hello its venom!!!! i need yuor help  
**Anne Weying:** oh hi! is everything okay?  
**Dan Lewis:** Eddie climb into another lobster tank?  
**Eddie Brock:** your never gonna let that go, are u?  
**Dan Lewis:** No. Never. It was hilarious and one of the only situations in which I got to be a hero.  
**Anne Weying:** what did you need?  
**Eddie Brock:** i wnt to give eddie the BEST chrismas ever. THE BEST. i want to make all other chrismasses look like shit!!! but ive never done this before, so i need u 2 to give me advise and help me set it up w/o eddie knowing  
**Dan Lewis:** Oh, so it’ll be like a surprise party! That sounds kind of fun!  
**Anne Weying:** will the turkey be replaced with people? because i love you two, but i draw the line at cannibal christmas.  
**Eddie Brock:** no!!! i wnat to do a normal human christmas. thats why i need u guys.  
**Anne Weying:** we weren’t planning to go to either of our families for christmas. i guess i could suggest we all do it together at your place.  
**Eddie Brock:** perfet!!!!  
**Dan Lewis:** And if you want a look into a traditional Christmas, let me introduce you to this thing called the Hallmark channel. Their Christmas movies paint a wonderful, warm and fuzzy picture, which I’m guessing is what you’re going for.  
**Eddie Brock:** it is!  
**Anne Weying:** sorry, just threw up in my mouth a little.  
**Dan Lewis:** That’s how you know it’s romantic.

* * *

The next morning, phase one of Operation Normal Christmas went off without a hitch. Anne (who’d also had the good sense to tell Venom how to delete the messages, lest Eddie come across them) had very casually suggested she and Dan come over to Eddie’s place to exchange gifts on Christmas morning, to which he happily agreed. He didn’t suspect Venom was planning anything at all, when he was, in fact, planning so many things.

That night, he once again Jager-piloted Eddie while he slept, this time following Dan’s suggestion of checking out some Christmas romances. (He’d enthusiastically given Venom a list of about thirty “to start with,” while Anne suggested _Love, Actually_ \- and, somewhat sheepishly, _The Christmas Prince_.) As he watched film after film, totally not getting invested or anything, he made notes of what the ideal Christmas would entail. This is what he ended up with, scribbled in Sharpie on the back of an old takeout menu.

Christmas necesities: 

  1. hold up signs with romantic things on them
  2. people singing
  3. homecooked meal (NOT people)
  4. sweters
  5. time traveling cute man????
  6. hilarious mishaps
  7. enchanted bells
  8. many, many deer
  9. culturel imperialist skeleton
  10. kissing plant
  11. old man who might or might not be sandy claws
  12. The True Meaning of Chrissmas (maybe its on amazon???)



How, exactly, he was supposed to cram all that magic into one apartment, Venom was unsure. But it was magic Eddie Brock deserved, and thus, it was magic he would get, by God.

* * *

To avoid the risk of Eddie seeing their secret IMs, the next Operation Normal Christmas strategy meeting occurred three days and approximately fifty movies later, over FaceTime, with Anne and Dan crowding around her phone. Venom held up the list for them to read, and tried not to take Dan’s snickering too personally.

“Okay, bud, you can take it down now,” he said. When Venom did so, he’d see that they were both fighting amused grins.

**_“So... any notes?”_ **

“No reindeer, for the love of God,” was Anne’s first note. Her second note was: “Mistletoe can be accomplished, though.”

“So can a non-people meal,” Dan added. “I’d be happy to cook. I helped my mom with dinner for our two billion relatives every holiday, I can certainly manage for the four of us.”

“Honestly, though, you shouldn’t overcomplicate this for yourself,” she added. “When I was a kid, I just liked having a tree, presents, and a good Christmas movie.”

 **_“This has to be_ ** **perfect** **_.”_ **

“It will be,” Dan said. “You know Eddie will love whatever you put together.”

Venom took that part to heart - but not the thing Anne said about not overcomplicating things. Every single aspect of his and Eddie’s shared existence was ridiculously complicated. From when they’d eat, to who they’d eat, to how they’d get by without too many people finding out their secret, everything was complicated and borderline convoluted. 

Why would Christmas be any different?

* * *

There was only so much Venom could do as himself and not hiding with Eddie “piloting” them, so he was glad Anne and Dan had been so willing to help. (And lie to Eddie to keep the surprise hidden.) They had a storage locker near their own apartment, and had agreed to keep the tree stashed there - a tree Anne had picked out, while FaceTiming Venom in. Three days before Christmas, she was Snapchatting him pictures of some cheap Christmas ornaments she and Dan had found at a thrift store.

She also presented Venom with the thing he ignored most in the world: a reasonable question.

_how much sleep has eddie been getting these past few days? with all the planning, you’ve been using his body pretty much every night._

Venom sent her a selfie with a shiteating grin, and a reply:

_i use his body pretty much every night anyway. HEY-O_

To which she replied:

_gross. but seriously, are you sure he’ll be okay?_

_sure im sure! i always take good care of eddie, u kno that_

_well, I know your intentions are good. but be careful, okay?_

Even as she sent it, Anne didn’t really expect Venom to listen to her. Common sense, she’d found, was more lethal to him than exploding rockets.

(Seriously, was he _ever_ going to explain to them how he survived that?)

* * *

Just about the only good thing about being Jager-piloted by Venom every night for a week was that Eddie was in bed by eight PM on Christmas Eve. The second he was out, Venom texted his co-conspirators, and Anne and Dan arrived only a few minutes later.

 **_“Late stages! We have one night to pull this together,”_ **Venom said, letting them in.

“Eddie’s happiness better be worth it,” Anne muttered. “Seriously, are you sure he’s been sleeping enough?”

Venom ignored her, and instead went to dividing up tasks. Anne was told to start putting decorations - tinsel, mistletoe, holly - around the apartment, while Dan drove him to the storage locker to retrieve the tree. If getting it _into_ the storage locker had been hard, Venom wasn’t sure how to describe the process of getting it back onto the top of Dan’s car, and up the stairs to the apartment.

“Hey, did you and Anne ever stop to, like... measure this thing?” Dan asked, looking at the door, the tree, and then back to the door again. “Because I genuinely don’t know if that’ll fit.”

**_“Heh, top ten things Eddie said on our wedding night.”_ **

“Ignoring that.” Dan grabbed the trunk of the tree, and Venom grabbed the other end. “Okay, and a-one, and a-two, and a-one-two-THREE...”

With a grunt, they managed to get it off the top of the car. That proved to be the easy part. Actually getting it through the door was another matter, which involved a lot of shoving and a lot more opportunities for dirty jokes that Venom absolutely would’ve jumped on if he wasn’t so focused on the task at hand. Then came the part where they had to get it up the stairs.

“Okay, I think if we just take a breath, and then force ourselves to do this in one go with no breaks, we _might_ be able to pull this off,” Dan said, looking up the stairs and absolutely dreading what was about to happen. 

Venom nodded, and together, they took a breath, and began the walk up the stairs, which seemed much, _much_ steeper than it ever had before. If they took it one step at a time, it was manageable, but thoroughly unpleasant. It took them the better part of ten minutes to get halfway up, and they both were about ready to quit by that point. But that wasn’t an option. They had to keep pushing forward, if only out of spite. And love for Eddie, or something.

 **_“I thought this would be easy,”_ ** Venom muttered. **_“Aren’t I supposed to have inhuman strength?”_ **

“Yeah, but not inhuman dexterity, and that’s half of what this is,” Dan said. “Different stats, my friend.”

**_“Ugh. Nerd.”_ **

Before Dan could reply, his foot slipped. Or maybe Venom’s grip on the tree loosened just long enough to make a difference. Or maybe they both simply lost their balance at once. Didn’t really matter, because the end result was the same either way:

 _CRASH! BOOM CRASH CRASH BOOM THUD CRASH_ **_THUD_ ** _._

And then, immediately after that:

“Ow!”

**_“MotherFUCKER!”_ **

The noise had been enough to alert Anne in the apartment, who had just finished putting up the decorations. She dashed out of the apartment and over to the stairwell, and saw the boys at the bottom, a pile of pines, limbs, and symbiote goo. Venom was grumbling every cuss word he knew, while Dan was trying (and failing) to get back up to his feet.

She knew she should’ve been worried, and immediately gone down to check on them.

But she was only human, and thus, burst out laughing at the sight. “Oh, my.”

“Annie, help us!” Dan groaned through a mouthful of pines.

Anne kept giggling, and Venom saw her pull out her phone through the branches. “Smile for the camera, boys!”

 **_“You can_ ** **not** **_put this online.”_ **

“Ohhh, no, I wouldn’t _dare_. This one... this one is just for Anne.”

Once Anne had gotten enough footage to last a lifetime (and once she had stopped laughing), she helped guide the tree up the stairs and into the apartment. It took a lot of sweat, a lot of cursing, and a reference Venom didn’t get (“PIVOT! _PIVOT_!”), but they finally got the tree in the stand. It stood in the living room, so tall it almost brushed the ceiling, looking very green and less like the torture device Venom had decided it obviously was.

They sat on the floor, panting, trying to catch their breath. They did it. They set up the tree. They could relax.

At least, until Dan spoke up with a truth none of them wanted to face.

“We gotta decorate it now.”

This was met with a storm of groans and profanity from symbiote buddy and girlfriend alike.

“Hey, hey, you said you wanted to do this right! Christmas trees have decorations!”

**_“Why do you always have to be right?”_ **

* * *

Dan pretty much collapsed on the couch after the tree was set up, settling in for a much-deserved rest. Anne was about to ready to crash, too, but she agreed to help Venom out with “one last errand.”

If she’d known what he had in mind, she would’ve said “no way on God’s green earth,” but hindsight was 20/20.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen this part of town so dead,” she said, looking around. Save for the odd homeless person and charity collector, she and Venom were the only people around, and they were in her car. Which was good, because Venom was currently 100% _out_. Like, full-on, “oh, hey, that’s an eight-foot-tall pure black gooey alien walking around” out. The car couldn’t hide him entirely - if someone bothered to look in the window, they’d definitely see - but it was at least something. “Even on Christmas, I expected more people around. It’s only ten. Where are we even going?”

**_“Harvey Park. There’s a group of carolers performing there - well, their thing ended at ten. Hopefully they’re still there. I found the event on Facebook!”_ **

“Gonna see if they’ll make a housecall tomorrow?”

**_“Something like that.”_ **

Harvey Park was a short drive from the apartment, and fortunately, three carolers remained - two men and a young woman. They were folding up some chairs that had been set up for people, and one of the men was gathering up some trash to throw away. The event Venom had found promised a dozen carolers - but he could make do with three.

He was out of the car as soon as Anne parked, and she trailed after him, idly wondering what, exactly, Venom’s plan was for when the carolers saw him and inevitably freaked out.

To their credit, their freakout wasn’t the “screaming and running” kind, or, worse, the “hey, let’s pepper-spray him!” kind. (That had not been a fun afternoon.) Instead, the three froze in place the second they saw him, their faces locked into expressions of pure, unadulterated “what the actual fuck.”

 **_“Hello! Are you the carolers?”_ **Venom asked, in a tone that was totally normal and not at all creepy.

They nodded, looking like they were regretting doing so even as they did it.

**_“Excellent! I thought there’d be more of you, but... whatever, you’ll do! Are you three any good?”_ **

The young woman licked her lips and forced out: “W-we think so. Sorry, you j-just missed the concert...”

**_“Let me hear a few bars. Whatever you want.”_ **

After a brief pause in which they realized Venom was in fact serious, the trio nervously began a shortened rendition of “Jingle Bells.” Considering they were three of what was supposed to be a choir of twelve, they were singing one of the most overplayed songs in history, and they were utterly terrified... they sounded pretty good! They even had different voice types, though Venom didn’t know enough about music to know they were a soprano, a tenor, and a baritone. He just thought of them as “the squeaky one, the big one, and the pretty one.”

Anne applauded politely when they finished, but truth be told, they didn’t really notice her. At least, not until Venom said, **_“Perfect. You three will be_ ** **perfect** **_for Eddie’s present. Okay, come with us. My friend here will drive us all back to the apartment.”_ **

“I’m...” The baritone’s voice cracked, but he forced himself to continue. “I’m sorry, but why should we go anywhere with you?”

**_“Because: this.”_ **

A very unlucky bird flew by... and was very quickly devoured in one bite by Venom, who had now elected to show all his teeth. Anne grimaced and looked away, but it wasn’t as gruesome as it could’ve been. The bird was there one second, and then it wasn’t. It was, for all intents and purposes, an ex-bird.

Venom didn’t say anything after that, because he didn’t have to. He just had to grin at the now literally-shaking trio, feathers still between his teeth.

The tenor spoke up first.

“I _knew_ we shouldn’t have volunteered to clean up.”

**_“Coulda. Woulda. Shoulda. Get in the car.”_ **

Being unreasonably tall and horrifying had its advantages, among them being that the carolers didn’t argue, and hesitantly climbed into the backseat. Anne reluctantly got in the front seat, if only because she’d seen Venom’s driving, and she was still making payments on this car. As they began the very tense drive back to the apartment, she finally spoke up.

“Wow, okay, so I’m an accessory to a felony now. That’s fun!”

**_“Technically, not even just an accessory. You’re driving.”_ **

Anne groaned, hitting her head on the steering wheel as soon as they paused at a red light. The carolers all looked like they had half a mind to jump out, but the way Venom was looming over them was more than enough to make them all think twice about that. It was for similar reasons that none of them attempted to make a break for it when they reached the apartment, and Venom (and Anne) escorted them up the stairs and into the apartment.

“Wh-what are you gonna do with us?” the soprano asked, the first to gain the courage to speak.

 **_“Don’t worry about that now,”_ ** Venom said, unable to say much of anything without making it sound like a death threat. **_“You three just make yourselves comfy until morning. And remember, if you think about trying to fuck with the tree or try to head for the door...”_ ** He grinned, revealing those very sharp teeth. The tenor gulped. **_“I can see through walls.”_ ** He revealed his tongue, which was enough to make even the soprano shudder. **_“And I_ ** **never** **_sleep.”_ ** Now certain that they had gotten the point, he immediately reverted back to his normal, semi-less-terrifying-but-still-pretty-terrifying self. **_“Okay, sleep tight!”_ **

As he passed Anne to walk into Eddie’s bedroom, she whispered in his ear: “None of that was even _slightly_ true.”

 **_“Yeah, but_ ** **they** **_don’t need to know that. You should sleep. Morning comes early!”_ **

And so, trying not to make eye contact with the carolers as they hesitantly laid down on the floor for an uneasy sleep, Anne climbed onto the couch to join Dan.

So she’d gone from turning a blind eye to Eddie’s new diet to straight-up committing a felony to help do something nice for him. And they weren’t even dating anymore.

She opened her eyes just long enough to look at Dan, who was still out cold, snoring lightly. She smiled.

Yeah. She’d definitely made the right decision.

* * *

The alarm went off at eight AM on Christmas morning, which was odd, because Eddie didn’t remember setting an alarm. 

“ **_Wake up!”_ ** Venom headbutted him. **_“Wake up!”_ **

“Mmf, I’m up, I’m up...” Eddie forced his eyes open, even though he still felt like his body was full of sand. “Wh... what time is it...?”

**_“Doesn’t matter. It’s Christmas, and it’s time for your gift!”_ **

“Shouldn’t we wait for Anne ‘n’ Dan...?”

Venom bounced up and down in a way that was reminiscent of a puppy. A cute, maneating puppy. **_“Already here! Come on, come on--”_ **

Realizing he wouldn’t let this go, Eddie kicked off the blanket with a chuckle, pulling on a thick knitted sweater over his t-shirt before padding out to the living room.

He stopped in the doorway, stunned by what he found. Overnight, a fully decorated tree had appeared in the living room, along with mistletoe, tinsel, and... three terrified-looking people he’d never seen before. (Were they dinner? Nah, Venom wouldn’t do that with Dan and Anne here.) Wrapped presents, including the ones Eddie had gotten and left on the kitchen counter, were placed neatly beneath the tree. Anne sat on the couch, nursing a mug of eggnog, and, come to think of it, she looked pretty tired...

“Good morning,” Dan called from the kitchen. When Eddie glanced over, he saw that Dan had basically taken over in there, and was currently working on preparing a turkey to go in the oven. “Dinner should be ready ‘bout three.”

“Wh... when did you set all this up?” Eddie asked.

 **_“Last night! Merry Christmas, Eddie,”_ ** Venom said. **_“I decided to give you the sort of Christmas you had when you were a kid. A tree, decorations, food, music...”_ ** When this was met with silence, Venom cast a steely glare over to the kidnappees. **_“And music.”_ ** Still nothing. **_“AND. MUSIC.”_ **

“I believe that’s your cue,” Anne whispered, nudging the baritone with her foot.

Still uneasy, the carolers hesitantly launched into a warbly, somewhat pitchy rendition of “Silver Bells.” They didn’t sound nearly as good as they had the night before, but, in their defense, they had a pretty good excuse for being out of voice.

For maybe a minute, the scene was actually pretty nice. The tree was sparkling with lights, the food promised to be delicious, the music filled the apartment and all of Eddie’s neighbors were too terrified to complain, their two best friends had come over to share the day with them... It was perfect.

And as he took in the sight, astounded by what his monster boyfriend had done for him, Eddie... did exactly what you'd expect a man who hadn't gotten any real, uninterrupted sleep in over a week to do.

He keeled over right where he stood, falling to the floor with a _crash_.

 ** _"Oh my God!"_** Venom headbutted Eddie's shoulder, to no avail. Eddie just lay there, dead to the world. 

Anne didn't look too concerned, and made no move to get off the couch, though Dan did dash out of the kitchen to check on him. "Oh, gee golly, who could've predicted _that_ would happen?" she deadpanned, taking a sip of eggnog.

"He's okay," Dan reported, after taking Eddie's pulse and checking to see that he was breathing. "I mean, not _okay_ , but he's alive, which I have to assume is an improvement over dead. I think he's just... asleep." He rolled him over so he was on his back. "Annie, can you help me carry him to the couch?"

"Only if you concede that this is yet another crisis that could've been avoided if everyone, everywhere, would listen to me. Always."

"Why do _I_ have to concede that? I'm not even the one who wasn't listening to you!"

 ** _"You know, I'm starting to wonder if having an ego was an Eddie-exclusive issue for you two,"_** Venom added.

"...Fair enough." She set her mug down on the coffee table and came over, grabbing Eddie's feet. "You know, I think I actually remember the office party where he got those socks. His Secret Santa was a real cheapskate."

With Dan hoisting Eddie up by the shoulders, and Venom helping as best he could given that he was basically attached to Eddie, they moved him to lay on the couch, where he began to snore.

**_"I can't believe this. I worked so hard to put together something nice for him, and instead I made it so he can't even enjoy it. Is that irony?"_ **

"If it makes you feel any better, he's probably enjoying the sleep more than he'd enjoy Christmas at this point," Dan said.

 **_"How would that_ ** **possibly** **_make me feel any better?"_ **

Before Dan could reply, someone coughed. Everyone (sans Eddie, of course) turned to look, and were suddenly reminded of the trio of carolers standing by the tree. By now, they didn't look so much _terrified_ as they did _done with everything_.

"Yeah, hi," the tenor said. "Sorry to interrupt, but--I mean, it's Christmas--and I'd like to remind you, as sweet as your intentions were for your boyfriend, you _did_ very much kidnap us, and even though I'm pretty sure you would've killed us by now if you were intending to do so--at this point, we'd just like to go home to our families."

Dan paled. "I'm sorry, what was that about kidnapping?"

"Shit, I forgot about that part," Anne groaned, half to herself.

Venom sighed, slumping back into the couch and saying, **_"Yeah, you guys can go. I'd give you the whole,_ ** **if you tell anyone about this, I'll eat you in front of your family** **_, but, honestly... I'm not really feelin' it."_ **

The soprano spoke up then with a snort. “Oh, yeah, yeah, we’re totally gonna go to the cops and say we got kidnapped by the Creature From the Black Lagoon’s bottom and were forced to sing for his boyfriend. Look, I'm just going to file this whole experience under 'what the fuck,’ repress it until it inevitably causes a nervous breakdown two or three years from now, and then go to therapy.”

They shuffled out of the apartment, ignoring Dan’s awkward apologies and offers of Christmas cookies (though the tenor did take the entire box with him without a word), leaving the the Symbiote Squad alone in the apartment.

“Well, while Eddie sleeps all that off,” Anne said, reaching for the remote, “I’m gonna see if we can find a nice special to watch. All my family Christmases usually had someone asleep in front of the TV anyway. Usually my grandpa, but still.”

With nothing else to do, Venom sighed and cuddled up next to his sleeping-like-a-log boyfriend, trying to just enjoy the badly animated special Anne put on, while Dan went back to cooking. The only other option was to reflect on how all his best-intentioned ideas tended to end with disaster - an occurrence that was, at that point, bordering on the Kafkaesque.

* * *

Eddie woke with a start.

“Merry Christmas,” he said automatically, sitting bolt upright on the couch.

“Merry Christmas, it’s December 28th,” came Anne’s voice from behind him. When he turned to look, he saw her, wearing a huge, delightfully ugly Star Wars sweater and sipping on a cup of coffee. “Dan and I have been popping by every few hours to check on you. You hit the floor like a sack of bricks. If you’d gotten to New Year’s Eve, we’d start to worry.” She reached for her phone, sending off a text to someone.

“Aw, I slept through Christmas?” He groaned, leaning his head back and closing his eyes. He opened them again, though, when he felt a “boop” on his forehead. When he did, he found himself face-to-face with a very guilty looking symbiote.

 **_“I’m so sorry, Eddie,”_ ** he said. **_“I was trying to give you a normal Christmas, and--”_ **

“Hey, hey, hey, don’t apologize.” Eddie kissed him. “Don’t apologize for anything. I loved it. I mean, what little I saw before I passed out, but--” He changed course when Venom gave him a “dude, what the hell” look. “Look, you went to a lot of effort, and I’ll always appreciate that.”

Venom sighed. **_“I know nothing’s really been ‘normal’ since I showed up. I thought it would be nice to do something... well, like how it was before. But I pretty much beefed it.”_ **

“Sweetheart, with all the love I have: that is the _dumbest_ thing you’ve ever said. Fuck normal. I’d rather have something interesting. And you have always been that.”

**_“...Fuck. Even when you’ve been asleep for three days straight, you still manage to one-up me on the romance.”_ **

“I have to bring _something_ to this relationship.”

“Sadly, we couldn’t hold the turkey and vegetables indefinitely, so we ate them Christmas night,” Anne said from the kitchen. “I hope you don’t mind.”

“No worries. Was it at least good?”

“Yeah. Dan’s mama taught him well.”

Eddie smiled, and turned back to look at Venom. “Well, you’ll finally see what I got you. I hope you like it.”

**_“You’re sure you’re okay?”_ **

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. Could stand to eat, but I’m fine.” He hesitated. “You didn’t eat those carolers, did you?”

Venom gave him an indignant look that made Eddie chuckle. **_“Of course not. I let them go, and I most certainly didn’t threaten them to keep them quiet.”_ **

“Just making sure.” He gave Venom a kiss, and then another, and then another. “Maybe later we can find a nice investment banker and call that lunch.”

**_“...Holy shit, I love you.”_ **

What promised to be a long and AO3-warning-worthy makeout session was cut short by the sound of footsteps coming from the hallway, and the door opening. It was Dan, carrying several bags that emitted a downright heavenly scent. He smiled as soon as he saw Eddie awake.

“Hey, look who’s among the living!” he said, closing the door behind him. “How are ya, Eddie?”

“Better, now that I’ve slept.” He groaned, sitting up a little more, and his gaze went to the floor below the tree. To his surprise, all the boxes were still there, wrapped as neatly as could be reasonably expected. “You guys didn’t open presents?”

“‘Course not,” Anne said. She shoved Eddie’s feet off the couch so she could sit. “Time is an illusion anyway, so we figured, fuck it, we’ll have Christmas when you wake up.”

“I have to say, I was worried we’d be having it in a hospital room,” Dan added.

 **_“Alright, I get it, no more all-nighters for awhile!”_ ** Venom grumbled. **_“What’s in the bags?”_ **

“Well, you wanted a traditional Christmas,” he said, reaching into the bags to reveal some cardboard food containers. “The traditional Christmas dinner for the broke, lazy, or those without any cooking talent is Chinese food. I swung by Great Dragon when Anne texted me to let me know Eddie was up. The best part is, since it’s not technically Christmas anymore, it wasn’t even that crowded.”

Dan hadn’t been stingy: by the time he’d set everything out, the buffet covered the entire kitchen counter. Maybe it was because he’d been out for three days, but Eddie didn’t think he’d ever smelled anything so delicious in his life. Piling their plates high with food, the four gathered in front of the tree to finally exchange presents. 

Venom had gotten Anne and Dan each a homemade coupon: _WILL EAT ONE (1) ENEMY OF UR CHOICE, NO QUESTIONS ASKED_ . (Dan had laughed, but then said, “You _do_ realize we can’t ever actually use these,” to which Anne had agreed, “Of course not, that would be wrong,” but Venom was pretty sure he saw her slip her coupon into her pocket when Dan wasn’t looking.) Anne had gotten Eddie and Venom a joint gift: a DVD boxset of _Hannibal_ , the complete series. Eddie gave Venom the original cast recording of _Sweeney Todd_ , adding, “I hope this doesn’t give you any bright ideas.”

Dan pointed out the average Christmas didn’t have so many cannibal-themed gifts, but was promptly ignored. He’d finally settled on giving Venom a subscription to a “meat of the month” club (“And I cannot believe I have to say this, but no, the meat is never going to be people”), and Eddie a FitBit (“I’d be offended if I didn’t so desperately need the help,” Eddie said). Anne and Dan, as it turned out, were better-matched than anyone thought; they’d both decided to surprise each other with a weekend cruise. Specifically, two different cruises... that were both scheduled for the same weekend.

They’d have to deal with that later, but that was a problem for future Anne and Dan. For now, they were too focused on arguing over who’d get to finish off the General Tso’s. Eddie and Venom watched them, laughing, as they shared a plate of orange chicken.

“So, you’ve had a semi-normal Christmas,” Eddie said, leaning back into the couch and leaning forward to peck the top of Venom’s head. “How do you like it?”

**_“I could get used to it! Hopefully you’ll be awake for the next one.”_ **

“Well, if you don’t puppet me for a week straight, we should be just fine,” he said with a laugh. “All seriousness, babe - thank you. I can’t believe how much effort you went to.”

Venom affectionately nuzzled against his head. **_“You’re worth it.”_ ** After pressing a kiss to Eddie’s lips, he added, **_“Next year, I’ll try it_ ** **without** **_the kidnapping.”_ **

“My God. A Christmas miracle.”

If this whole ridiculous tale were one of those Hallmark movies Dan loved so much, this would’ve been the moment the camera slowly pulled out, taking us out of the living room so we were eventually watching them through the window, sitting in front of the fire and laughing on Christmas night, sipping cocoa and cuddling, as snow fell and a really terrible synth version of “Deck the Halls” began to play.

Except it was the morning of December 28th. And there was no snow. And no fire, at least not yet - this was before Venom got it in his head to try and do Thanksgiving.

Look, no one is claiming this is a perfect visual. Just like no one was claiming it was a perfect Christmas, much less a normal one. But it was a Christmas that those that loved Eddie most had put a lot of work into, so they could all enjoy it together. They’d exchanged gifts, eaten food, and swapped stories, trying to one-up each other on who had the weirdest childhood, the most embarrassing family, the most baggage from being picked on by all the other aliens. (No points for guessing who won that last one.) It was a Christmas that had created a story they’d still be laughing over for years to come, with details that would get exaggerated and vary ever-so-slightly depending on who was telling it. And it was a Christmas spent with friends and loved ones.

Kidnapping and cannibalism aside, what could be more normal than that?

**Author's Note:**

> I feel like we can blame the existence of this fic on Michael Bublé, somehow. 
> 
> If you enjoyed, please leave a kudos or a comment! It totally brightens my day. Happy holidays!


End file.
